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The Girlfriend/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Now, here's the majordomo of life in slo-mo, your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Things are out of whack at my place this week. One of bernice's relatives is staying with us. Bernice's sister's daughter. She's 16 years old. Hello? Hi? What? Sixteen? Like, a female type person? You met her, harold, at the church picnic. She had the taco on her face -- with teenagers, it's hard to tell. I don't remember her. What's her name? Um... Alice, or... Alysha... We just call her "horse". Her? Oh, I remember her. She still wearing that bit? I mean braces. Yeah, she's gonna have them awhile. It will take a while to corral those teeth. She's got a smile like stonehenge. Say hello for me. No, no, no, harold, you say hello yourself. No way! Come on. Aunt bernice says you have a lot in common. I don't even find her attractive. There's one thing right there. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. I introduced harold to my wife's sister's daughter. He didn't say two words. Never seen him that quiet, which meant he had to rely on his looks. (audience laughing) try to imagine how that went. Mind you, horse isn't so easy on the eyes, herself. (singing) (audience laughing) (giggling) you ok, harold? Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah! Sorry you two didn't hit it off. Alysha asked about me? Did she say she likes strong, silent types? Did she say that? I'm just saying, don't worry that you two didn't talk. Maybe she didn't want to fill the air with meaningless chatter. Yeah... I don't want you to take it personally. She probably had broccoli wedged into her braces. No, no, no, we did not have to speak, for our eyes said it all. (audience laughing) that would be quite a conversation. They each have four of 'em. Now... Now... Are you saying you actually liked her? I'm gonna marry her! For gosh sakes, she's only 16 years old! Well, we'll go to mississippi. No, come on, harold. She's your cousin, all right? Oh, right. Yeah. Make that alabama. (laughing) (red): Later on, bill's gonna be trying his hand at a little tarzan action. You know, swinging from tree to tree. Right now, he's gonna do a dry run. Gonna swing from that ladder to the other ladder. Gonna swing... Swing with the rope. He's gonna throw the rope up -- ow! Throw the rope up, try to get the top branch -- not bad! That will pull him... I guess it's strong... Ok. Up he goes and then he's gonna shorten the rope and swing across. I'm not sure that tree is as strong as it needs to be to hold someone of bill's, uh... How can I put this delicately? Flab? You know, with bill, sometimes he doesn't focus on what's important, like, say, his balance. He pulls the tree down, hits the ladder-- ohhh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And... There's the tree. Yeah, mm-hmm, yeah. Bit of a dry run. A few wrinkles in it, bill. And I seem to have picked up a bird's nest. Now he's wanting me to egg him on but I say, "hey, bill, the yolk's on you." ♪ oh, don't go in the bushes ♪ ♪ that's my warning to you ♪ ♪ there are better places than shrubs ♪ ♪ to do what you wanna do ♪ ♪ oh, don't go in the bushes ♪ ♪ that's not the place to be ♪ ♪ and if you get bitten and badly stung ♪ ♪ don't name it after me ♪ (laughing) welcome to the possum lodge word game! Tonight's prize is two days with a hooker, from edna's house of rugs! (audience laughing) uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word. Criminal. Criminal. And go, eh? Mike, someone who breaks the law. Cousin larry. Bank robber. Uncle edgar. Car thief. Auntie thelma. I'm talking about the general term for law-breakers. Ohhh! Family. Ok, ok. Someone goes to jail, they are... ... Railroaded. But they are... Victims. Innocent victims! Let's say you're arrested. I didn't do it. No, no, no, the cops would call you... Mike. They all know me, right? Almost out of time. How would you describe the cost of bail? Oh, criminal! (laughing and applause) this week on "handyman corner", we're gonna do a project that combines two of my favourite recreational activities -- sitting down and eating. The other day, I was watching t.V., which placed third in my sitting-down-and-eating sweepstakes. Anyway, that doesn't matter. I got hungry and I'm thinking, "we got a kitchen and in it is a fridge. "that fridge is on wheels." I'm thinking, "boy, why can't I get that fridge "to kinda roll towards me?" moose thompson can do it just by waiting, 'cause he tends to be the low point in any room... As he is in any conversation. For me, I need a mechanical advantage. I'm thinking, "why not use the one thing "that has always put food on my table?" fishing, huh? Deep-sea fishing. First thing I gotta do is anchor this thing onto the chair somewhere. I'm thinking right about... ... Right about there, all right? Now, to do that... If you're made of money, you could get a proper deep-sea fishing mount things and put that on there, or you could use one of these wall-flange mounting units, but that's gonna catch in the cuff of your pants and spoil the look of the chair. So, instead... Keep it simple. Oh... Here we go, here we go. You can mount the fishing rod in the chair, using some kind of clamp or shackle. You could weld that in there. I prefer the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. I feel a snack comin' on! You don't want to use big hooks inside the home. Even inside the lodge, it's a bit iffy. I'd recommend you go with this type of lure. They're left over from that time I tried to make the human fly outfit when I wanted to climb the outside of the lodge. All right, let's see if the fridge are biting. (thumping) oh, that sounded good. Oh, yeah, think we got one. You gotta play these in just right. It's an appliance you're dealing with. If they want to run, let them run! Get 'er in here. By golly, she's a hummer! Oh, my god! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, no, no, no, no. I guess aim is important, too. Ok, so, don't forget, catch and release. (audience laughing) here we go! Oh, boy! (grunting) (grunting) ahhhh! There we go. It's just that easy, just that darn easy. Get us a drink... Ahhh... Never had to... Never had to leave my chair. I think this project is really gonna catch on. (thumping) stinky peterson wants his reclining chair back. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. If you got another lure, we can hitch in to town! Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Want to talk to you middle-aged guys who are maybe contemplating signing up for baseball. If you're one of these guys who thinks they can pick up a bat after 25 years of basic stillness, and then slam a high fastball over the third baseman's head, stretching a double into a triple, well, think again. (audience laughing) don't be surprised if a hit and making it to first base happen in two different at-bats... Maybe even in two different games. You'll be lucky to stretch a triple into a single, and more likely, you'll stretch your hamstring into a hospital. The only thing in your favour is that there's a guy out there who looks like you, the same weight and age, he has to run, bend over, pick up the ball, and then throw it in. He probably shouldn't be playing, either. It might be time to give it up. Once you hit 40, think about hanging up the cleats. Just because you're on a slide doesn't mean you should be playing baseball. You're not on deck. You're not even in the damn boat! (audience laughing) sit in the stands. Watch your friends play. You'll have a better view, fresher hot dogs, and you can drive them to the hospital between innings. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together. (applause) well, horse -- sorry -- alysha is still staying with bernice and I. It's difficult getting used to two women around the house. Go in the bathroom, you've got them waffle irons for your hair. When we watch t.V. I'm only allowed to flick between four channels. That's all I get. Uncle red, uncle red, is this too much?! No, it's not enough. I can still see your face. Ha, ha, ha, ha. It's not for me. It's for alysha. You know why? No. No reason. It's my way of saying, "here's some flowers." you'd better slow down. You can spend time and money and this might not be going anywhere. She might be allergic. Don't worry. I made sure that my deposit on the wedding ring is refundable. Oh, man, harold, harold, whoa. Before you get engaged, maybe you might want to go out with her one time. You want to find out if you like her? Take her to something you don't want to go, an opera or ballet or anything with mimes. Oh, I hate mimes. If you have a good time, you'll know she's the woman for you. You're saying, when men and women date, you only go places that she enjoys. Yup -- just till you're married. (audience laughing) then you don't go anywhere. Uh, my name is dalton humphrey, and I'm a man. (all): Hi, dalton. Hello, men. It's been less than 24 hours since I acted like a guy. It happened like this. I was, um, well, the dishwasher needed a little repairing. You know how the food trap will need cleaning out. All I really needed was a phillips screwdriver, but I went to the basement and I got my big, big, big tool-box. Oh boy. And in full view of my family... I pulled out every tool I had. Every one. I had them on the counter, the floor, all over the place. And I'll be honest with you, men, I had so many tools out, I couldn't even work. And then I looked-- I looked up... Into the faces of my family, my wife and my daughter standing there, and I will never forget that look in my life. I was-- get your hands off me, harold. I was so ashamed... To be seen there squattin' amongst my tools. I guess I must have come to my senses at some point. I said to my wife, "honey... "I've got way too many tools out here. "I only really needed a phillips screwdriver." then I put all my tools... Back in the box. All right! Yeah! (sobbing) well, I guess we learned you only carry the tools that you need, and only buy the tools that you can use. No, what we learned is you don't try fixin' stuff when your family is watching ya. (applause) all right, it's "adventures with bill". That's tarzan bill there. That's a loin cloth, but he's got a lot to loin. Oh, that's very tasteful. Thank you. Look, there's another rope there. Anyway, he's gonna swing off the top of the van. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, shakey start, but there he goes. Grab the other rope. Uh-oh. Oh, for gosh sakes. All right, uh... I'm thinkin' that may not be what he had planned. My mistake. Way you go -- grab that rope. He grabbed it higher so he could get... He's cleared the van. You're way up there. Come on down. Oh boy. Hot on the hands, bill? Oh, that would burn the callouses off. You all right? I got a fan in the truck. There you go. That feel better? Hey, temper, temper! That's my fan! Right over a tree. All right, so practise makes pain. We got three ropes. That's the extension cord. That's the extension cord from the fan. Grab that -- oh, nice. That's the extension cord! Bill, that's the-- oh, oh, oh! Here comes one of your fans, bill. Oh boy. Here's a quilt of possum lodge made by a nice woman from wyoming. All these years having harold around convinced me that I don't regret not having a son. Alysha has only been with us a week, and I already feel that way about not having a daughter. Bernice has me on my best behaviour. Got to wear pants at breakfast, cutting food with a knife rather than my thumb nail. Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes! Who de man? -- I'm de man. You de man? You can't be de man 'cause I'm de man! I'm smokin'! Ow! Ha ha ha! Hoo hoo ha... Ha. Got yourself a date, do you, harold? Yes, I does! I took your advice, except I was cool. I said "the possum lake players "are doing a dinner theatre." that's where you get a show and food. Last week they did "rigoletto" and rigatoni. That's a good show right there. So, this week they're doing "carmen" and crab. I thought "that's great." I said "since I hate opera, do you wanna go?" she went "uh-huh." (giggling) well, gosh, you know, if you can sit through that, there may be a twinge of love in the midst of this pathetic desperation. But there is a bit of a wrinkle in the plan though. She's not allowed to go on unchaperoned dates. Aunt bernice said that you and her would be happy to join us. Forget it. No way, no. Bernice dragged me to one of them things. It was "the sound of music" with baked beans. (audience laughing) yeah, I heard that. It was all over town. But it's too late. I got four tickets right up front. You know the best part? Aunt bernice paid for them. Ahhh, geez! Welcome to "autobiography" where members of possum lodge have remembrances of cars gone by. Got arnie dogan here. Arnie, tell us about the first car you ever had. A volvo, '74. Very safe. Built like a tank. Excellent for the roofin' business. You could get 10 cases of shingles in the trunk. I got a case of shingles in a hot tub once. Boy, a volvo, arnie. I would have thought you'd have something sportier. When you're fallin' off a roof three times a day, you're not looking for excitement. No, no. What would it be like, arnie, a teenager in a volvo? I'm thinkin' dates. Oh, a lot of dates. No kiddin', huh? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they'd carry my crutches and change my bandages. On a clear night, we'd cruise right on up to rock reef point and just gaze out over those roof-tops tryin' to spot where dad and I left the ladder. So you never married then, huh, mr. Dogan. No, not yet, harold. I'm married to my work. Just a crusty roofer in a beat-up volvo. More like a beat-up roofer in a rusty volvo. Yeah, yeah. You know I wrote a country song about that car. Would you like to hear it? We're a little short of... Tolerance. Gimme that, harold. You brought the guitar. Good move, harold. I was hiding the guitar. This is a special one. Here we go. ♪ she was made of steel and naugahyde ♪ ♪ with five wheels countin' the spare ♪ ♪ you never knew where you were goin' ♪ ♪ you were pretty sure ♪ ♪ you'd be able to thumb a ride back ♪ ♪ I remember the night of the accident ♪ ♪ nothin' was left but the radio aerial ♪ ♪ the doctors couldn't remove it ♪ ♪ so now I walk with a limp ♪ ♪ but I get over 200 stations ♪ (audience laughing) (applause) well, I'm sorry, but that is too much to ask of any human being. The most embarrassing night of my life. "carmen" is a famous opera. It was stupid of you to go "which one's the karmann ghia?" it was a joke, for gosh sake. Opera viewers, they're such uptight people. The women with the zirconium hanging off them, the guys in the sports jackets, all to watch a bunch of fat guys overact. Hey, hey, hey, easy there. It sounds a bit like our show. (audience laughing) I'm telling you, that whole evening was a total disaster. Not for me -- especially after you got thrown out. Why were you singing "the toreador song"? They had the words all wrong. They left out the "don't spit on the floorie" part. How did the date turn out with horse? Still in love? Don't call her horse! I won't tolerate your insolence any more. Don't even do it. All right, harold. I wasn't really insulting her by calling her horse. I just meant, uh... She's a stable girl. (audience laughing) I really like her. But we've decided we're gonna wait, see what we feel like in a few years. Well, that's great. You kiss her good night? Ha, ha. Gentlemen don't tell. So no. Not even close. I think she wasn't sure if her insurance for her braces covered lip punctures. So... But I'm hopeful -- it's like they say in opera. "it's not over till the fat guy in the plaid shirt "gets thrown out by the ushers." (squealing) I'll be down in a minute. If my wife is watching, now that we've had our night at the opera I was hoping we could have our day at the races. Thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (harold): Ok, he's here. Sit down. Ok, stand up. (red): All right. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (harold): The people who organize the strawberry social want to change the order of events this year. They'd like to have the dance and then the street brawl. So, something to think about. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!